FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATES

• Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
• Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
• I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
• A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
• Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
• The longer the title the less important the job.
• Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
• Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
• Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
• No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
• Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
• Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
• The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
• Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
• Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
• I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
• I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
• A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
• My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
• I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.